Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets