To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
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*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.