When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
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my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
#ParentingFacts
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.