I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right