Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard