Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
X-tra spooky blend
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*