you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
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Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.