Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.