My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
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I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
*seductively eats two tums*
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.