“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
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I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.