didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
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Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My neck my back my allergy attack
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH