ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
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MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.