what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Worst bar ever.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR