What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
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These aren’t even hard anymore.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.