I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
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I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it