7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
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Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂