I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*