Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life