[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
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Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
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