When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
You Might Also Like
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care