The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
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Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”