I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
You Might Also Like
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
my dog when i have a friend over
Okay
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves