This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.