I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
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found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
favorite tropes as memes
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]