I get distracted pretty eas
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I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat