A family that plays together cheats.
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I’m about to risk it all
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”