My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I’ve had relationships like this
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.