DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My dog ate my work from home.