[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
The opposite of Iceland is water water