Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.