“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
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Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
i did the math
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle