I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
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WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Writing, She Murdered.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary