I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
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Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.