[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames