While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
taking June’s advice to heart
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
That’s what I call a flat tire
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”