The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
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If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.