No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
groan^2
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’m sure it’s fine.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.