[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
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3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?