the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.