*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
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Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.