First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
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No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.