Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Peace was never an option