“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
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Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’