By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
me linking you to my twitter
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
OMG 🤣🤣
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.