In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me if I was a dog
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
#Caturday
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”