My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.