Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*