I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My blood type is coffee.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.