I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
im 7 sauces long
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
how was your vacation
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.