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In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
This is what makes twitter great
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal